On Love And Loss...A REALLY Late Mother's Day Post (with an adoption update)

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. -Psalm 34:4-5

Art depicting the grief of miscarriage.

Image credit: Lina Scarfi

It's been an interesting few months being in this phase of life. I tend to be significantly more analytical than emotional for a woman. So to be both logically rational about what has happened to our family, and randomly struck with grief at the strangest and most unexpected times, happens to be new territory on this uncompleted map of my life.

I realize that I wasn't ready to be a mother to a second new born life so soon. And I'm okay with that. But when the multitude of currently pregnant acquaintances (and family alike) with ever growing bellies come into view, I experience pain beyond what I know to be my normal experience with sadness. To put it practically, it's the pain of what I once had, but will never see to completion. Add emotional and hormonal attachment and the pain magnifies.

Now, as someone with minor (though my husband would say otherwise) obsessive compulsive tendencies, you can imagine that lack of completion drives me a little nuts. I do see and understand what I wasn't ready for. But I see and feel other things as well. I see in others what I cannot have. I see in others what I still want, but will never be. I see what I am missing out on. Like the fact that I now get genuinely hurt when I'm not invited to baby showers. But I really don't want to (and mostly likely wouldn't) go to them.

So what else am I'm missing out on? Glad you asked. Because for some reason, it hit me even harder on Mother's day. And I'm finally able to verbalize it. 

I actually miss having a growing belly. The feeling of a tiny one kicking me in excitement inside that belly. That tiny one becoming larger and messing with my breathing or my urinary continence or both. That feeling when you find out the gender of the little one. Getting to plan out the immediate future for my little one. Giving in to cravings for the sake of cravings under the guise of "eating for two." Yes, I do actually miss waddling, haha. And gaining beautiful weight measured in, not lbs, but bgs (beautygrams, lol). I miss the very real pregnancy glow that comes from women who are proud of their pregnancies. I miss finding no fault in my obviously child-bearing body. I miss being able to plan future sibling dates and activities (I know I still can, but I mean specifically with this child.) I miss being able to imagine my husband's face as he holds his much awaited second newborn child, without it causing me pain in my heart. Can you tell I loved pregnancy? Those precious experiences were suddenly taken from me. But, by the grace of God, I've found my peace with it.

Now...

On a lighter note, I can look forward to a different future. And it's not wrong to be able to enjoy hoping for that future. Because I know the Lord has put a brand new path in front of me. It's not without it's own unique difficulties, I've got to say... The costs and the wait to begin this adoption can be overwhelming. But as usual, the Lord remains true. We're closing in on half of our goal! Not only that, but planning other fundraising ideas have been driving me, and are helping to keep me preoccupied. We now have a YouCaring crowdfunding account that receives donations in a more direct way that Donate button at the top right of this blog does! The donation meter is automatically updated and funds are immediately transferred to our adoption account. You'll find brief updates on our journey and easier options for sharing our funding site.

We would love for you to take part in our adoption journey by most importantly, praying for and with us. There's a long road ahead, but we know we'll make it. Adoption is expensive, but we believe a price tag cannot be placed on the life of a child. They are worth so much more than any fees, courts of law, or government can expect a family to pay. Would you consider donating to our cause to ensure there is one less orphan in the world?

We know how it feels to want to donate to something, and just not have the funds to help out financially. If that is the case for you, would you help propel our fundraising reach instead by sharing our YouCaring profile publicly with EVERYONE YOU KNOW? The wider we're able to cast a net, the better our chances at expediting the beginning of our South Korea adoption.

The link to our fundraising profile is: YouCaring.com/MercierAdoption

Thank you for the prayers, love, encouragement, and generosity!

~Melinda

"Not everyone is called to adopt. But we're all called to care for orphans."