Aaaand You're Doing....What, Exactly? (aka: An Uncomfortable Post)

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. -Proverbs 24:3-4

It's been a crazy couple of months, and we're so honored to have had you part of them! We wanted to take the time to thank everyone who's played a part in getting us as far as we've gotten, through your support (financial, emotional, spiritual, EVERY WAY!)

As a SAHM, I'm in my head most of the day. And I'm sure just like the majority of stay-at-home-moms, you've meticulously calculated how to divide your time between things that need to get done and the child(ren) you need to care for. And then once you've found a good process, you're out of time to do those things, the house has all but exploded in your face, you haven't eaten, and it's time to feed the little mouths. By tomorrow, your brilliant plan of organization is long gone...lost in the clutter of your mind. That's the story of my life, anyway, lol.

So with that little glimpse into my brain, I felt it necessary to let you in on how we're doing our part on this crazy, but God-appointed, journey of adoption. I'm going to start off by saying we budget. And it stinks. And it's time-consuming. And it's stressful. Buuuut, that's what we're doing. Daddy works hard to bring home the bacon, Mommy divvies that bacon up to make sure bills get paid, and the rest gets added to the adoption savings. Budget cutting is no fun. Especially when you like Chick-fil-a and Starbucks, I'm just gonna put that out there. However, seeing the savings at the end of each month that get sent to our adoption account is well worth dying to my eat-out/take-out/fast-food/expensive-latte/amazon-window-shopping cravings. #FirstWorldProblems, anyone? Seriously.

We're also planning on ridding our home of unnecessary clutter. Which means...garage sale soon! Yay! (Said no one who ever put one on.) But still, our contribution is only small potatoes compared to the total cost of adoption while we also continue to handle paying off the miscarriage and ensuing medical bills because our insurance company sucks at insurance-ing. (Yes, this run-on sentence was necessary.) It's all absurd, but that's life, I guess...or the expense of it, rather.

When we decided to pursue adoption, we decided to do this without going into debt. Because debt sucks. Debt on top of debt sucks even more. So we're very determined in our efforts. However long it takes to raise/save up the money, is how long it will take to begin and then continue the adoption process. I won't lie, it's hard for me. I mean, who doesn't want to begin something as soon as they resolve to do it? No one says, "I know it's going to take years to lose 100 lbs, but I'm so determined to do it, I'm gonna save up my money for a year first before I actually buy healthier food and exercise the way I need to. You know, just to make sure I've got the money to pay for my new organic, gluten-free, non-homogenized, raw, paleo diet." No one.

It's an unconventional approach, I suppose. Thousands of families are fortunate enough to either have the money (or the means by which to get it), or unfortunately go into debt to adopt. Typically, those who don't have the means, can apply for adoption grants way down the road into the adoption process to help pay off those debts. And that's the sticker for us...we don't get that option if we jump into this with both feet and blind-folded.

While the majority of prospective international adoptive families wait months--even years--to be matched with a child, those of us planning to adopt from South Korea now have the (albeit, bittersweet) opposite problem.

"HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT A PROBLEM?!?!?!" 

I'll tell you... It's actually a 4-fold issue.

     1. Quick referrals can be a sign of more streamlined international processes. However, that is not the case with South Korea. New laws have restricted the number of international adoptions per year as well as narrowed the eligibility of some children. As overseas adoptions dwindle by DRAMATIC numbers, and domestic adoption numbers remain stagnant and not very promising, a "backup" of orphans is happening. More orphans in wait for a family and regulated adoptions numbers per year, create a waiting list of sorts for parents who anxiously anticipate the call for their family court date (years later) to pick up the child they were so quickly matched with.

     2. I recently spoke with the program director for our agency and she confirmed what I'd been hearing and reading for a few weeks: After finishing completing the home study (which takes a few weeks to a few months), families are being matched with children immediately. It sounds phenomenal. But that means just weeks after you've paid a large lump of money for a home study and other fees, you now have another, MUCH LARGER, lump sum to pay. You see, when prospective parents approve a match, they must pay both the agency's fee and South Korea's agency fee, due immediately. Which leads me to my next point:

     3. Most families, although they have a difficult and long wait to be matched with a child, will find that they have plenty of time to raise or save up the money and/or apply for grants.We don't have that luxury, as most grants require approved home studies and take weeks to accept a family as a grant recipient.

     4. And lastly, this reason is more personal, than general: It just delays our timeline for adopting. Granted the time frame we have for a South Korean adoption is anywhere between... if ever SK closes its doors to international adoption, and when we turn 40; whichever comes first. But there is a lot to be saved up before we can move forward. And the adoption process, once it's finally started, will take a few years on top of that before it's over. I'd prefer to still have the energy for a toddler, lol.

However long it takes, we will wait on the Lord because we know He's in control of it all. But it is still difficult news for us. We want to be in line with what we believe the Lord is telling us. And for us, it's to wait, save/raise more funds, work hard at it, be creative, don't be pests begging for money, and hold on while we climb uphill. More like, upmountain. Of course this means our initial target has now been made quite a bit higher; from 10% to about 25% of our total adoption goal, as our Fund o' Meter and our fundraising page now accurately show. It takes the wind out of our sails a bit. It's gonna take more time. But perhaps God's got some maturing, molding and sculpting for us to do while we wait on Him. We know He's got this.

Thanks for reading my vent. Money-talk is never easy, but when others are a part of contributing, they have a right to know.

If you're interested in a very rough break down of this entire process' costs, see below.

Love and Blessings,

-Melinda

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     = What currently raised funds have covered.

Application costs: $350 COVERED

Home Study and Travel for HS: $2,000 OVER HALF COVERED

Training: $100-200

US Agency: $11,500

Korean Agency: $20,000

Gov't Paperwork: $1,000

Overseas Travel: $6,000-8,000

Post Placement Studies: $2,500

Outdated Updates (if things take too long and paperwork expires): $1,000+

______________________________________________________________

Total: > $45,000

On Love And Loss...A REALLY Late Mother's Day Post (with an adoption update)

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. -Psalm 34:4-5

Art depicting the grief of miscarriage.

Image credit: Lina Scarfi

It's been an interesting few months being in this phase of life. I tend to be significantly more analytical than emotional for a woman. So to be both logically rational about what has happened to our family, and randomly struck with grief at the strangest and most unexpected times, happens to be new territory on this uncompleted map of my life.

I realize that I wasn't ready to be a mother to a second new born life so soon. And I'm okay with that. But when the multitude of currently pregnant acquaintances (and family alike) with ever growing bellies come into view, I experience pain beyond what I know to be my normal experience with sadness. To put it practically, it's the pain of what I once had, but will never see to completion. Add emotional and hormonal attachment and the pain magnifies.

Now, as someone with minor (though my husband would say otherwise) obsessive compulsive tendencies, you can imagine that lack of completion drives me a little nuts. I do see and understand what I wasn't ready for. But I see and feel other things as well. I see in others what I cannot have. I see in others what I still want, but will never be. I see what I am missing out on. Like the fact that I now get genuinely hurt when I'm not invited to baby showers. But I really don't want to (and mostly likely wouldn't) go to them.

So what else am I'm missing out on? Glad you asked. Because for some reason, it hit me even harder on Mother's day. And I'm finally able to verbalize it. 

I actually miss having a growing belly. The feeling of a tiny one kicking me in excitement inside that belly. That tiny one becoming larger and messing with my breathing or my urinary continence or both. That feeling when you find out the gender of the little one. Getting to plan out the immediate future for my little one. Giving in to cravings for the sake of cravings under the guise of "eating for two." Yes, I do actually miss waddling, haha. And gaining beautiful weight measured in, not lbs, but bgs (beautygrams, lol). I miss the very real pregnancy glow that comes from women who are proud of their pregnancies. I miss finding no fault in my obviously child-bearing body. I miss being able to plan future sibling dates and activities (I know I still can, but I mean specifically with this child.) I miss being able to imagine my husband's face as he holds his much awaited second newborn child, without it causing me pain in my heart. Can you tell I loved pregnancy? Those precious experiences were suddenly taken from me. But, by the grace of God, I've found my peace with it.

Now...

On a lighter note, I can look forward to a different future. And it's not wrong to be able to enjoy hoping for that future. Because I know the Lord has put a brand new path in front of me. It's not without it's own unique difficulties, I've got to say... The costs and the wait to begin this adoption can be overwhelming. But as usual, the Lord remains true. We're closing in on half of our goal! Not only that, but planning other fundraising ideas have been driving me, and are helping to keep me preoccupied. We now have a YouCaring crowdfunding account that receives donations in a more direct way that Donate button at the top right of this blog does! The donation meter is automatically updated and funds are immediately transferred to our adoption account. You'll find brief updates on our journey and easier options for sharing our funding site.

We would love for you to take part in our adoption journey by most importantly, praying for and with us. There's a long road ahead, but we know we'll make it. Adoption is expensive, but we believe a price tag cannot be placed on the life of a child. They are worth so much more than any fees, courts of law, or government can expect a family to pay. Would you consider donating to our cause to ensure there is one less orphan in the world?

We know how it feels to want to donate to something, and just not have the funds to help out financially. If that is the case for you, would you help propel our fundraising reach instead by sharing our YouCaring profile publicly with EVERYONE YOU KNOW? The wider we're able to cast a net, the better our chances at expediting the beginning of our South Korea adoption.

The link to our fundraising profile is: YouCaring.com/MercierAdoption

Thank you for the prayers, love, encouragement, and generosity!

~Melinda

"Not everyone is called to adopt. But we're all called to care for orphans."